Natural hormone cycle
Not many people have found that life and their relationship is truly wonderful. We all go thru times where it seems pretty good and times when we wonder what we are doing. We tend to impute normality to this fluctuating state of affairs and carry on hoping for better but not sure how or what to do. The truth is that we have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that sometimes coincide and sometimes coincide with our mates. It becomes quite complex.
A typical couple might find that the honeymoon was great, exciting, tiring and scary and unexpectedly wonderful. Unless they had tried before they bought in which case it may have been less intense.
But now the honeymoon is over and we settle into a normal routine. He always seems to want it! Seems like he doesn’t care about my feelings, just wants me to do it more often. She never seems interested, never seems to care that I am desperate for her!
Both sides are annoyed by the others differing sex drive and lack of cooperation leads to harsh words which leads to bitterness and disappointment. Bitterness leads to viewing each other as the reason for the problem rather than the one to help with the problem.
Not having each other to confide in anymore means one must talk to friends about the problem. Ones friends often back one up against our partner, thus causing the rift to grow. Divorce is inevitable! Or an affair!
Marriage becomes the scapegoat for the relational problem instead of the vehicle for lasting and deep emotional fulfillment.
Why is this typical? Why is this scenario being repeated over and over throughout society and even in different cultures? The answer lies at the base of human need and physiology.
Marriage was meant to be fulfilling and to fill our needs for a sense of belonging, security, warmth, intimacy, pleasure, companionship etc. All these things are available but so often don’t get fulfilled. One of the main reasons for this state is our basic natural physical hormone function. It is the interplay between three different hormones in men and women that determine how we feel during sex and afterwards that control most of these behaviour problems.
These hormones are oxytocin, prolactin and dopamine.
Oxytocin is known as the “Love” hormone. It is released in your body when you feel excited to be with a lover, when you make love or at many other significant pleasurable times and especially when you breastfeed. It makes one feel warm and peaceful, helps to grow trust and is very pleasant. This hormone keeps us loving and trusting each other.
Dopamine is the hormone that gives us the rush of orgasm and is also responsible for giving us a rush at other times of great excitement. This hormone is also responsible for addictions such as gambling, junk food and drugs and is why some men prefer pornography to their wives. They are addicted to the hormone rush and it is easier to control without a woman. So now you might think that making love more often is the answer to the problem. Sorry, we haven’t looked at prolactin yet.
Prolactin is released after the dopamine rush is over, a balancing agent. Unfortunately it can get out of hand sometimes. One feels so great during orgasm but a few hours later, one had better be asleep as the prolactin depression sets in. For most men this depression is short and hardly noticed. Usually it lasts for a couple of days and then hubby wants more. It also causes a man to be more sensitive to sexual stimulation and can produce a stronger desire for more. This is known as the "Coolidge effect." Roosters are a classic example, able to copulate with many different hens all day. One hen will not enable his ardour in the same way.
Unfortunately, her cycle is 2 weeks long and this is one of the underlying physical causes of the emotional problem of marriage. Most women want sex twice per month but most men want it thrice per week. Some want it more often than that, addicted to the dopamine rush and often a woman sees that her husband is after the rush rather than her and is repulsed by it. Feels used! (Note that women can have the same dopamine addiction but more often it’s the men.)
So now the urge to orgasm has destroyed the oxytocin response and love is dying.
This is compounded after the baby is born and the prolactin surges to great heights. In excess it is called post-natal depression. She is much less interested in sex than ever before. (note this is typical, but everyone is different so this might not fit you) Prolactin also makes her vagina dry so even if she wants to serve her husband, it will likely end in pain and frustration for both. This is natural!
The situation now seems impossible; we are fighting our own natural physiologies. The system seems designed for polygamy. A man with 4 wives will never have to wait and each woman would be able to make love twice per month. Our society does not permit that and so we are stuck with the imbalance problem.
This is when we look at breastfeeding. Remember it produces oxytocin, the love hormone. It is possible to remain in love without getting the dopamine rush. A couple who are not so worried about having an orgasm at regular intervals can find that love grows and grows. The natural method of breastfeeding produces oxytocin at regular intervals several times each day, growing love each time. Some women report having an orgasm when they breastfeed their husbands as well but for most it is just a deepening intimate time of bonding with the one you love. Some husbands report that they don’t feel the need to orgasm so much and that the deep love they feel (oxytocin) is often enough for them. This also tends to bring the husband and the wife closer together onto the 2 week prolactin cylcle. Ahh, peace at last! What stops more people from discovering this wonderful way to marital harmony? The question of what will people think.
The short answer is, don’t tell them!
The ancient Chinese Taoists would sometimes work towards developing a loving relationship with very little sex to avoid the highs and lows of the dopamine /prolactin cycle and just concentrated on the oxytocin response.
King Solomon advised his son to pay more attention to his wife’s breasts and thereby avoid the urge to commit adultery. A pity more have not tried it! King Solomon had 136 wives, gifts from neighboring kings and dignitaries, and so he had plenty of opportunity to observe. He had the pick of the most beautiful women in the area but I guess he kept going back to the one who breastfed him.
He also noted that breasts are available at all times, whereas we have noted that the vagina is not always available.
So we see that the natural hormone cycle is responsible for the usual state of marital relations but lets not take away responsibility for our thought s and actions.
We are still able to control what we say to each other and what we do about our feelings. Lets just remember that our spouse is not the enemy but that we both have a physiology to work with that sometimes runs contrary to our desires. Our desires may be born out of social expectation and need not be the controlling factors of our life. We can retrain ourselves from our social conditioning and we can grow love by working with the natural hormonal function of our bodies instead of against it. The fact that is prevents cancer and has many other wonderful side effects makes nursing even better.
One woman on a forum claims to have cured her husband from drug addiction by regular nursing. I was sceptical at first but the adiction he had was caused by his own body's hormonal reaction to the stimulus and so changing the stimulus to oxytocin could work.
BF groups links
Society of nursing couples
Why people want to do this
Breast milk good for...
Inducing lactation with drugs
extended breastfeeding lowers cancer risk
therapeutic stimulation lowers cancer risk
milk made into tumor killer
HIV transmission ZA
trust and intimacy
human milk science
When I first got pregnant, I worried that I would not be able to breastfeed at all. I never thought about whether my husband would want to. I naturally assumed that MY breasts were for MY baby and no-one else. His first approach to me came as a shock to me. I began to wonder who I'd married! Body fluids had always put me off and I didn't want to make myself so vulnerable either. However, pain forced me to accept his offer of help. Several times during the early days I became engorged and it was so painful and there was no pump (they never worked on me anyway) so I reluctantly let him take the pressure for me. Then I got mastitus and the cure was more frequent nursing. Baby had had enough and just wanted to sleep so it was back to hubby. He enjoyed it immensley and seemed generally much happier for it. I conceded that it wasn't so bad and let him have one side each morning. The results are that we are becoming closer and more in love and starting to feel like we are on our honeymoon again. Not the usual battle after birth!
He calls my milk, "Love liquid" and it certainly seems to be working for us!
A Mans view
I have been fascinated by womens breasts and their function as long as I can remember. In my teens I overheard boys talking about girls and choosing which girl to persue according to whether she had big enough breasts but I never voiced my attraction and thought I was the only one interested in a woman's milk. When I married I so wanted to spend more time on my wife's breasts but the hormones took over and propelled me onwards each time.
Then the baby came and what a wonderful transformation her breasts had. So big and beautiful and delicious as well. I began to get a taste but not enough as the hormones propelled me onwards and those magnificent mamaries were reserved for junior, who got them several times each day. I began to feel ripped off. I began to feel angry and jealous as my wife was off limits to me but freely available to my baby. The tension between us grew.
Then a wonderful event occured. Our baby started to sleep longer thru the night and needed no feed at midnight. My wife woke up overfull and very uncomfortable. She woke me by brushing her nipple against my mouth. I was amazed! It was better than a dream! I sucked happily and was surprised at how nice it was, thinking that fantasy was probably better than reality. I was wrong! Then she had letdown and again I was amazed at how fast that delicious milk poured into my mouth. It was like a female ejaculation. Overwhelming! That was followed by passionate lovemaking.
The ice had been broken and whenever she was uncomfortably full, I volunteered my services. It just seems to get better and better as we become more intimate and find new depths to our relationship.
And then I found out that I was not the only one. There are thousand s of couples doing this, as forums can attest!
Not only that but it is advocated in the bible!! (Prov 5:19) If more couples nursed, I think there would be fewer divorces and no need for affairs. And it prevents cancer!
Who could ask for better than that?